#1158
I guess it is 1980, then!
Date: 12/01/2001
From: AnOldRedneckReindeer
If it is 1997, and you think you are seventeen in the RP, then you were born in 1980! I forgot that it was 1997 for a minute, seeing as it's 2001 in real life!
And I got second place fair and square, Cheaty McSpoilSport! Schmoe and wurwolf said I was second place! And it's in no part to my obsessive whining and complaining about the rule change! Oh, and Spidey is stoopy poopy! Purple cars that are won in a certain person's game rock! Blah! ;o)
I heard an interesting joke the other day that can be used to defend us beer-drinking buddies from a sober fate!
"What is the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?"
"Us drunks don't have to go to all them meetings!"
One more thing: The fifth anniversary of the MST3k B'Board is on December 29th! Do you think it would be a good idea to hold some sort of party? I could search through the archives and e-mail some of the old-tymers to invite them to it, like Katjar! If you think it's a good idea, I'd appreciate your suggestions!
Nothing to add to the RP right now, though. Just my senseless blabbing :o)
pagrandma?
grandmapa!, sch.
The Elderly Gender-Bender!
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Riddler Club!
President of the I Hate Hamburglar Club!
*SECOND* Place Winner Wacky Races 2001, rightfully!
8:44 P.M. CST!
#1159
I meant December 30th! D'oh! <n/t>
Date: 12/01/2001
From: AnOldRedneckReindeer
Wait, here's some text! I lied! Ha! <n/t>
Why you clicked on this message, I'll never know! I said no text twice!
#1160
What??
Date: 12/01/2001
From: TorksXmasSpecial
I can't believe it!!!!!!!
First Grampmapa says no text, then he turns around and promises it, then he betrayed me when I clicked his reply.
A very large, SHAME-INDUCING "hmph" on you, pal!
hmph!
#1161
Wait a minute
Date: 12/01/2001
From: TorksXmasSpecial
table turning time!!!!!!
Lately, some people have mentioned that they were upset when I said that I was disappointed about their looks. Well I just remembered that one time where SOMEONE, let's call her Rimmer, almost drove me off the bboard. You heard me! Remember this.
http://www.scifi.com/bboard/browse.cgi/1/5/2324/26447?lnum=118
That post freaked me out! I had only been around for a month or so and I couldn't believe that everyone was claiming to one person.
And many of you had a part in it! Carmelita9000, Dumbschmoe, wurwolf, grandmapa (grandmapa mentioned it in one of his quizzes, so that means he was apart of it all _after the fact_. Don't ask me what that means! You're all such masterminds!)
Now excuse me while I go look for a girl before she and a gypsy casts horrible curses on me.
Tork_110
serves the Dark One (who is also Rimmer)
not a member of any club
hasn't won any trophys
hasn't been as nice as he thought he'd be
I'm not mad
to lazy to play MotS when there's a short
almost played SaT once, but a perverted answer from PokeJed scared me away
!uses! to!! many! !e!xclamat!ion poi!nts!!!!!!!!!!
people are still saying poin! I'm bigger than Urkel!
time? 10:53 eastern standard
The first time I tried to post, the Duh lost everything I typed. Why am I not surprised?
CHALLENGES YOU ALL TO A TAGLINE CONTEST
#1162
A tagline contest, eh?
Date: 12/01/2001
From: MickeysXmasCarol
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
3rd Place Wacky Racer (should've been second, thanks TDO!)
Time/Space Expert
2nd Biggest Fraidy Cat
AEIOU and sometimes y
Blames only himself.
Runners on first and second, nobody out
Bboard DoGooder
Bboard Ne'er do well
Bboard Doormat
Squirre;s...Monster Truck! Weeeee!
I'm the bitch!
Damn straight!
Really likes a show called Mystery Science Theater 3000. Ever hear of it?
What do I win?
#1163
Oops, tee-hee...
Date: 12/01/2001
From: MickeysXmasCarol
My turn to screw up the Bboard.
I'll go sit in the corner now.
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
All out of taglines.
#1164
Okay, Tork!
Date: 12/02/2001
From: AnOldRedneckReindeer
I'll challenge you, but you asked for it!
magrandpa?
grandmapa!, sch.
The Elderly Gender-Bender!
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Riddler Club!
President of the I Hate Hamburglar Club!
*SECOND-PLACE* Winner of Wacky Races 2001!
Quiz-Master of the B'Board Know-It-All Quiz!
Carmelita5738!
Gramps_Prune_Buggy!
The_Gramp_Reaper!
pilgramps!
AnOldRedneckReindeer!
Lita's Drinking Buddy!
B'Board Historian!
Post Saver!
Professional Mind Reader!
Rememberer of Hey Dude!
Rememberer of Salute Your Shorts!
Rememberer of All Early 90s Nickelodeon Junk!
Hater of Pokey Minch!
Viva La Resistance!
The Old Sex-Bend!
Role-Playing Messer Upper!
Underaged Drunk!
Video Game Player!
Magical Old Coot with a Walker!
Made Rowsdower Urinate on a Mailbox!
Non-Cheater on Ad-Libish Games!
Non-Cheater on Wacky Racesish Games!
Non-Supporter of Carmelita9000's Cheating Habits!
An Oldy McWrinkledFart!
Patron of MSTBlanca!
Non-Supporter of Evil Mastermindings at MSTBlanca!
11 Month Member of the MST3k B'Board!
April 10th Birthday Boy!
Wears a Dress!
Is Not a Crook!
Does Not Murder!
Loves All Clones!
Driver of Purple Muscle Cars!
Friend to Mickey!
Friend to Lita!
Friend to Rimmer!
Friend to Tork!
Friend to PM!
Friend to Most People!
Not a Friend to Mean People!
Is Excited About 5th Anniversary!
Je n'appelle pas Fifi!
Mon tele a chaud!
Vous etes drole!
Quizzer of People's Knowledge of French!
Too Lazy to Use Accent Marks!
Does Not Eat Much Soup!
Sawyer Brown Fan!
Alabama Fan!
Country Music Fan!
A Trusted Person!
Tricks People Into Clicking His Replies!
Makes People Disgruntled!
Does Not Want Any Ham!
MST3k Fan!
Fan of Hobgoblins!
Fan of Jack Frost!
Fan of Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders!
Fan of Manos: The Hands of Fate!
Fan of Soultaker!
Fan of Final Sacrifice!
Fan of Danger: Diabolik!
Visitor of mst3kinfo.com!
Also Known As gramps!
Owner of Groobees!
Friend to Granny Gumby!
Dreamer of Piggy Demons!
Dreamer of Very Strange Dreams!
Memorizer of the B'Board!
Knows Something About Every One of You!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!1!1!!!!!11!!!!1
11:38 P.M. CST!
No Text!
Heh-heh!
Bwoop-Bwoop!
Did I Win?
I Don't Know!
I Pray I Did!
I Hope So!
I Rhymed!
Lemon Lime!
#1165
HAHAHAHA! I am RIMMER!!! So are we all!
Date: 12/02/2001
From: Ghost_of_Rimmer_Past
Tork, haven't you learned by now their are only really two of us on this message board?
Poor Tork. That post scared you? Claton_Forester said it scared her too. I admit I was shocked at the turnout of that post. It was meant as a joke but to see that many people join in was great!
Sorry I haven't been here. Please keep going. I'll come in as much as I can but the immenent crush of finals is upon me. Forgive my absence.
#1166
You want a link??? *Here's* a link!
Date: 12/02/2001
From: Lita_the_Surly_Elf
........................................................
Check THIS out!!!
http://radiantslab.com/catsmeow/u2/imacphisto.gif
(And don't try to tell me that nobody asked for a link.)
Hey, what do you mean it has nothing to do with MST3K? It has *everything* to do with MST3K!!!
Oh, wait. No it doesn't.
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
Devoted U2 Fan
will add to the plot
when she thinks of something to add.
Knows she hasn't got a prayer for winning
the tagline contest,
but would like to make it known
that she does not have bad cheating habits
and that grandmapa is, in fact,
a liar, liar, pants on fire
(hang it on the telephone wire)
and he is also
a doody-head.
So there.
Put that in your tagline
and smoke it.
But don't actually smoke it,
because that's incredibly bad
for your health.
You shouldn't smoke.
BTW, Tork,
if you want to join
The I Hate Riddler Club,
there's still room.
You can be the Secretary!
(That means you write down
everything everybody says
at the meetings.)
(Not that there are meetings.)
The Beginning
#1167
*whistle*
Date: 12/02/2001
From: Lita_the_Surly_Elf
...........................................................
<Lita, who for some time has been in one of the back rooms at MSTBlanca, walks out to the front, and takes a seat at the bar by PM. She drums her fingers on the bar, looks at the ceiling, and whistles quietly to herself, while Rick pours her a drink. After a little while…>
PM: *annoyed* Yes? Did you have something to say, or are you just out here to annoy me?
Lita: Annoy you? I wouldn't dream of it! What's wrong with you, that was a little rude! I did have something to tell you, but now I don't think I will.
PM: Come on, spill it. You obviously want to.
Lita: Weeeeellllll….. Ok. I was sweeping up in one of the back rooms, right? And Nabut just happened to be in there tinkering with some little device that I had *no* idea what it was…
PM: I'm not going to like where this is going, am I?
Lita: You might! I thought it was kind of funny!
PM: Oh, dear…
Lita: So, anyway, I was sweeping pretty near him, you know? And I just kind of *accidentally* bumped into him while he was working, and he *accidentally* hit a button on the thing he was working on… and… uh…
PM: What?
Lita: Nabut doppled himself into a monkey.
PM: A monkey?
Lita: I think it was an orangutan, to be exact… the monkey just happened to also be in there.
PM: Now Barbie, that just pisses me off. Why in the hell would you--
Lita: Hey, now! I don't have the technical knowledge I would need to dopple a guy intentionally. I told you. I didn't do it on purpose. (And even if I did, it was an accident, right?) *smile* Hey, what was he doing, working on a doppling machine anyway? Huh?
PM: That's none of your business--
Lita: He better not have been planning to use it on me!
PM: Well, I guess you'll never know, will you? Because Nabut is an orangutan now!
Lita: Oh, I'm sure you can put him back. It worked in that movie. Just round up his body and the monkey and you're all set.
PM: So, where's Nabut's body?
Lita: Right where he left it. Looking kind of glazed over in the back room. And when last I saw the orangutan, he was in the kitchen, jumping up and down on top of the fridge. Ken and Castleton were trying to lure him down with some bananas. I decided to leave before Nabut started throwing crap around.
PM: A serious concern, when you're talking about a monkey.
Lita: Darn tootin'! Hey, look on the bright side, though. Now Nabut's arms are 5 feet long!
PM: Right…
Lita: Of course, he's only four feet tall… Oh well. I guess you can't have everything.
PM: What was an orangutan doing in the back room, anyway?
Lita: Well, how should I know? Dammit PM! I'm a doctor, not a zookeeper!
PM: Whatever. I'd better go clean up your mess.
<He gets up and leaves>
Rick: Hey, Barbie! Are you really a doctor?
Lita: No. I was just saying that because… uh… no. I'm not a doctor. At all.
Rick: Are you sure about that, Sweetheart? Because I have this thing on the bottom of my foot… <Rick takes off his shoe and sock, and swings his foot up onto the bar…>
Lita: Oh… ick…
Rick: I'm not sure if it's a corn, or a boil, or a blister, or what, but it really hurts! And I'm on my feet all day!
Lita: Well, like I said. I'm not a doctor. I can't help you.
Rick: That's too bad, Dollface. I was going to give you three dollars to get rid of it…
Lita: Really? Why didn't you say so?
<Lita grabs a spork, and gets to work on Rick's foot.>
****
<Some time later, PM comes back into the bar, and is somewhat surprised to see a whole bunch of people standing in line. He approaches one of the people who are waiting.>
PM: Er…. What's this line for?
Bar Patron: We're waiting to get some medical attention!
PM: …medical attention?
BP: Yeah! Dr. Barbie just opened up an office in that booth over there! She may not be a real doctor, but she's got bargain basement prices!
PM: Oh, I've got to put a stop to this…
<Pharaoh Mobius heads over to the front of the line, where he sees grandmapa, standing unsteadily at the front, holding a clipboard. Behind him, a guy is lying on the table with his shirt pulled up. Lita has climbed up there too, and she's got a big and really scary looking bread knife.>
Lita: Now, this might hurt, but that appendix has to come out. Try to think about something else…
Patient: Er… ok…
PM: Hey, stop that!1!!!1!
<Lita stops just as she's about to make her incision>
gramps: Heeeyyyy… You can't pussshhhh in, Mmmmissster… Ya gotta wwwwaaait yer turn, sssseeee?
Lita: Oh, gramps! It's ok! He owns the bar, he can be first in line if he wants! <to her patient> Get out of here, pal.
Patient: Pfft! Fine! Geez! Blah to all of you! <He glowers at Lita and PM and gramps, and leaves>
PM: Right. <PM pushes grandmapa out of the way and sits down.> Barbie, what are you doing?
Lita: I'm being a doctor! Turns out I have a real knack for it!
PM: If you're a doctor, what's with the nurse's uniform?
Lita: Oh, this? It's ever so much cuter than scrubs. I think the little white hat makes the outfit.
PM: …and she bugs me about my hat… Look… Hey, quit waving that knife around at me. Put that thing down.
Lita: Fine.
PM: Do you have any medical training whatsoever? I mean, have you even ever taken like a first aid class or anything?
Lita: No… but I took biology when I was a sophomore in high school… oh! And I watch Emergency Vets on Animal Planet sometimes! That's fun! You know what I found out? Most of the time when you have stomach pains, it's because you've eaten something you shouldn't have, like rocks, or hunks of wood, or somebody's underthings, or valuable jewlery…
PM: Yeah. That's great for dogs and cats, but these are people you're talking abou--
<Lita picks a bucket up off the floor and puts it on the table. PM looks inside, and sees quite a variety of non-food items.>
Lita: Yep, you just reach in with a pair of salad tongs and see what you can grab. It's really easy. I don't know why everybody else goes to Med School--
PM: Look. You can't practice medicine here. We aren't zoned for that. I could get sued.
Lita: Oh, that would be such a shame…
PM: You could get sued too.
Lita: What? Damn! All right, everybody! I'm done playing doctor now!
People in line: Awwwww…. <they disperse>
Lita: Hey, how's Nabut, by the way?
PM: Orange and hairy. His body wasn't where you said it was.
Lita: <with genuine surprise> It wasn't? Now I'm really not responsible for that. Really! I'm not even lying this time! Not that I wasn't before… Er… I wonder who took it.
PM: Maybe Rick's seen it. Where is he?
Lita: Behind the bar. He was my first patient!
PM: Gah!
<Pharaoh Mobius rushes over to the bar, and looks behind it. Rick is lying down on the floor, covered in bandages from head to toe.>
PM: Rick, Man!!! Are you ok? You look awful!!!
Rick: I feel great! I mean really! I haven't felt this good in ages!
PM: Are you sure? What's with all the bandages?
Rick: Ok, I admit it. Dr. Barbie goes a little overboard with the bandages. But my foot feels soooo nice. You should really let her keep practicing medicine. She's great! A little unconventional at times… but hey! No complaints from down here!
PM: What's the deal with that cone thing around your neck?
Rick: Dr. Barbie said it would keep me from licking my stitches, and what do you know, she was right!
PM: Right.
Dr. Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
is watching Justice League.
She just found out that John Stewart is the Green Lantern
and boy was she surprised!
#1168
Lita 42: What about the cow?
Date: 12/02/2001
From: Carmelita42
...................................................
<Back at the ranch. Carmelita42 and Mickey are the only ones there because Carmelita9000 and Evil Mike are at MSTBlanca, the cow has been arrested, Tork is off looking for his mail order child bride, and the Rimmers never came back from their attempt to rescue Lita and Evil Mike.>
Lita 42: Well?
Mickey: What about the cow?
Lita 42: We have to save him! He's been arrested and we have to save him!
Mickey: Why? Nobody likes him anyway.
Lita 42: 9000 seems to like him… for some reason. I bet she'd be pissed if anything happened to him.
Mickey: So what? She's not here. She doesn't even remember he exists. <Mickey doesn't know Lita has her memory back, see…> She won't care!
Lita 42: Yes she will! We have to go get him!
Mickey: What about the Rimmers? They've been missing longer than the cow has! What about Lita and Evil Mike? They've been gone even longer than that!
Lita 42: We have to save the cow!
Mickey: What if we're caught? I'm already in enough trouble with the law.
Lita 42: We'll just tell Sheriff Hale I'm 9000. I am wearing the shirt and all. (Oh, and remember, that it's your idea. I don't want to get in trouble with the real 9000.)
Mickey: Oh, that's all well and good for you, what about me? You can go do your thing on your own, Missy!
Lita 42: <Pulls out her pistol. Oh, crap! Mickey forgot she had that!> I'm not walking past all those horses by myself! Come on!
<She pulls Mickey outside, and they follow Sheriff Alan Hale to the jailhouse. But wait, this isn't the jailhouse! It's Sheriff Alan Hale's actual house!!! The hell? Mickey and Lita 42 lurk around outside.>
Mickey: I don't get it. I thought you said you weren't going to write adventures for me anymore.
Lita 42: Don't be retarded. That was the Surly Elf. I'm a clone. I can write about anybody I want. I can even write about Bono if I want.
<Bono walks up to them.>
Bono: Hello! I'm Bono! I'm the lead singer for popular Irish rock group, U2! Perhaps you've heard of me! Goodbye!
<Bono leaves.>
Lita 42: See?
Mickey: Ok. Fine. I get your poin.
Lita 42: Shh! Let's look through this window and see what's going on!
<They peer through the window and see… oh gross! Sheriff Alan Hale (clad only in filthy boxer shorts and a wife-beater shirt, not to mention his socks and garters, slippers, and his cowboy hat,) has a frying pan on the stove. What's more, he's holding the cow down on his cutting board, and he's about to chop its head off with a meat cleaver so he can eat it for dinner! AAAAAHHHHH!1!!!1!!>
Lita 42: Oh no! He's about to eat Lord Moocow for dinner!
Mickey: Yeah! Talk about indigestion. That's a ceramic cow. No meat on him anywhere.
Lita 42: Shut up! We have to save him!
Mickey: Who? Sheriff Hale? Serves him right if he cracks a tooth or something--
Lita 42: No, not Sheriff Hale. I'm talking about the cow!
<42 picks up a rock that's lying on the ground by her foot. She throws it through the window. It bounces off Sheriff Alan Hale's skull, and he falls down, unconscious. Lita 42 goes in, grabs the cow, and comes back out again.>
cow: Well, I say! It's about f---ing timooe!
Mickey: Watch your mouth! There's a lady present!
cow: She's not a real humooan, Mooicky! She's a clone! I bet she doesn't even have a soul!
Lita 42: I do too have a soul! And I am too a human! You're just a cow!
cow: But at least I started out humooan! That's mooore than I can say for you!
Mickey: Shut up, cow! If it weren't for her, you'd be Sheriff Hale's dinner right--
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: I finally found you, Mickey T. Gardener!
Mickey: Huh?
<Mickey and Lita 42 (who is still holding the cow protectively) turn around. Then they wish they hadn't. TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS in all her be-pigtailed glory is standing there, looking angry and teary-eyed, and even worse, she's got a rocket launcher. (The 7 have always been big on having unnecessarily destructive weapons.)>
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: Where have you been? You're supposed to be *my* boyfriend! We're supposed to be going steady! And now I find you going out on a date with this tramp? How could you???
Carmelita42
Things aren't looking too good.
I would say I was talking too much lately, but that's not me. That's just my DNA donor who can't shut up.
#1169
Hey Lita,
Date: 12/02/2001
From: MickeysXmasCarol
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
You can still write adventures for me (and that goes for all your clones!)! I've just been stuck lately (writer's block-that dreaded foe), so I haven't been doing the rp lately. But depending on how late I stay up (and if I can come up with something), I'll take up this plot point.
Oh, and I can write adventures for anyone I want, too. Check this out...
************************************************************
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: WELL?
(As soon as Mickey starts to talk, Abraham Lincoln rides through the scene on a big wheel)
Abraham Lincoln: Hi, I'm Abraham Lincoln, and I'm riding a big wheel. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! (keaves)
Mickey: That was weird.
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
Where's Abe going?
#1170
Uh, Mickey...
Date: 12/02/2001
From: Lita_the_Surly_Elf
.........................................................
I don't think you really want to hear from all my clones. There's 9000 of them. We'd be here all night!
But I guess Rimmer would get her reply total up.
THE ORIGINAL
Carmelita 9000
#1171
Alright, I'll do this, but
Date: 12/03/2001
From: MickeysXmasCarol
I'm not promising anything.
____________________________________________________________
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: I'm waiting...
Mickey: Wow, look at him go. Go Speed Abe, Go Speed Abe, Go Speed Abe GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
42: You're stalling.
Mickey: I know. I'm good.
42: No you're not.
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS (crying): You lied to me!
Mickey: I didn't lie. I said I'd wait for you. I didn't say anything about standing around. (Goes to kiss 42, who immediatly punches him in the stomach)
42: You want to use that rocket launcher, be my guest.
Mickey: No, wait, I made this mess. TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS, the thing is...
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: Yes? Go on.
Mickey: I need to talk to my friend for a minute. Don't follow us.
Mickey (whispering): What do I do?
42 (whispering): Well, you have a lot of options, none of them are good. The way I see it, they'll all wind up with you getting jail time and getting your ass kicked.
Cow (not whispering and doesn't particularly care): Ooooh! Tell her your gay.
(TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS interrupts the conference)
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: I have no patience whatsoever, today. Tell me now, Mickey.
Mickey: Tell you what? You're all over the map with your emotions today. You want to lie down?
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: Sure! (Grabs Mickey)
Mickey: That's not what I meant. You can let go now.
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: Nope.
Mickey: Hey! You know we should really get to MSTBlanca, and try to rescue Lita and Evil Mike. RIGHT, 42?
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: 42? You dumped me for a girl named 42? And I thought my name was weird.
42: It's Carmelita 42. Mickey just calls me 42 because he's such a lazy ass.
Mickey: We really need to get to MSTBlanca, right now.
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS (who, by the way, is still holding on to Mickey): Yes. I want to go with you.
Mickey: You can't, because it's a bar, and you're only 15, and...
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: I've been there before.
Mickey: Yeah, but you were with your friends. And you all had weapons.
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: I don't have my friends, but I have
Mickey: A weapon, right...I should really pay attention to these things.
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
I said they could write for me, that doesn't mean they have to.
#1172
Where have they been?
Date: 12/03/2001
From: Lita_the_Surly_Elf
....................................................
The Rimmers have been out of the RP for a while now. I think it's high time we found out where they are.
<Somewhere in the woods near MSTBlanca (MSTBlanca always seems to appear near some wooded area, have you noticed that? Maybe it's because trees are a natural attractant to Gumby clay. Or maybe it's just a really convenient plot device.) Rimmer and Cave Rimmer are wandering around, bickering.>
Rimmer: I can't believe we're lost. We must have walked from the ranch to MSTBlanca, like, 50 times without getting lost. And now we're lost.
Cave Rimmer: We are not lost. After living by my wits for so many years in dinosaur times, my tracking skills are flawless. I do not get lost.
Rimmer: Fine, then. Where are we?
Cave Rimmer: We are in the middle of a forest.
Rimmer: Oh! Thanks! That clears *everything* up!
<Just then, some blonde guy comes out from between some trees, leading a horse. He immediately fixes the Rimmers with a sleazy grin.>
Rimmer: Oh. That's all we need. It's Deathstalker.
Deathstalker: <with a really bad fake medieval English accent> Heeeeyyy.... Good dai to you Ladies. I'm Daithstaulkah, and it appeahs that you two ah in neeyd of a hero.
Rimmer: Actually, we're fine.
Deathstalker: I'm the bayst hero theah is, pretty much. There's nothing heroic I'm not caipable of.
Rimmer: Go away.
Deathstalker: But it's not eaisy being a hero, no ma'am. You always get these kings offering you their riches and half their kingdoms. And people always go around admiring you. And princesses want to have wild sex with you all the time! <He looks at the Rimmers hopefully> Are you two princesses by any chance?
Rimmer & Cave Rimmer: *quickly* No!
Deathstalker: I bet you are. I bet you're princesses in disguise, on the run from some evil wizard or something. I can save you, you know. It would be easy, since I'm so studly.
Rimmer: That's ok. We don't need your help.
Cave Rimmer: Where did his accent go?
Deathstalker: <somehow manages to look bored> And then your father would probably want to marry me off to whichever one of you is heir to the throne. And I'd get his kingdom, pretty much.
Rimmer: We aren't princesses.
Cave Rimmer: Actually, I was Queen of those cave people for a while--
Rimmer: Shhh!
Deathstalker: Queen? Well, I knew you two were royalty! So what's the problem? Some mean uncle trying to usurp your kingdom?
Rimmer: Will you just go away?
Deathstalker: Now hold on there, I know it probably scares you ladies to be near somebody so rugged and handsome as me. It goes with being such a hero. Women love you. *sigh* Heck, we'll probably end up in a big three-way by the time the night is out.
Rimmer: I'm going to be sick.
Cave Rimmer: I'm going to hit him with my club…
Deathstalker: *thinking* I'm going to touch their asses first chance I get, but I'm going to make it look like an accident so they don't yell at me. Damn, I'm smooth. *grin*
#1173
Lita: Ken! Now's our chance!
Date: 12/04/2001
From: Lita_the_Surly_Elf
........................................................
<Back at MSTBlanca (are you surprised?), Lita has finally gotten a moment alone with Ken.>
Ken: Huh? Now's our chance for what?
Lita: It's our chance to get Phafoohiyayaya!
Ken: Get him what? Barbie, What are you talking about? Shouldn't we be looking for Nabut's body?
Lita: No!
<Lita leads Ken over to the door of PM's office. grandmapa is already swaying a little nearby, clutching a bottle of Old Kentucky Shark.>
Lita: Look, everybody is all distracted with this Nabut thing. That gives us the perfect opportunity to break into PM's office--
Ken: Why would we want to do that?
Lita: So that we can find out about all his evil plans!
Ken: Evil plans? You aren't making any sense.
Lita: Look. Pharfahdahlia is a Pulp Villain, right?
Ken: Er… No. What would give you that idea?
Lita: Oh, I don't know. Perhaps it's the fact that he's always saying, "I'm a Pulp Villain!"
Ken: He's never ever said that.
Lita: He says it all the time!
Ken: Then he was probably just kidding.
<Oh, geez. Ken is starting to sound like my grandma…>
Lita: Look at it this way--
<The group is approached by one of Pharaoh Mobius's shocktroopers.>
Shocktrooper: Hey, you guys aren't planning on breaking into Pharoh Mobius's office without permission, are you?
Lita: As a matter of fact, we are. Piss off.
Shocktrooper: Fair enough. <He leaves>
Lita: Anyway, as I was saying, if there's one thing I know about Pulp Villains, it's that they are incapable of keeping their diabolical schemes to themselves. They're always leaving their plans sitting out wherever anybody can just stumble upon them. And where would be a more obvious place for PM to keep his plans than in his office? So we're going in there, and you're going to see once and for all what kind of a guy he is. And maybe if we have some extra time we can foil him too.
Ken: Right. You're insane.
Lita: Just open the door.
Ken: If you're so hot to break into the boss's private office, you open the door.
Lita: No way! It's probably booby-trapped! I don't want to get electrocuted or anything! You do it!
Ken: Fine. And watch as nothing happens.
<Ken opens the door. To Lita's great surprise, nothing happens. It's not even locked.>
Lita: Wow. Ok. Ken, you and I are going in there. gramps, you stay out here and keep watch. Warn us if you see somebody coming.
grandmapa: Sssssuuuurrreee thing. *hic*
<Lita and Ken enter the office. grandmapa stands watch outside for about five seconds, then he falls asleep.>
Lita: Ok. We're in. Now, help me look through all his stuff, and tell me when you find something incriminating.
<They look through all of PM's files, and the various pieces of paper stacked around, and they even check his computer. What they find is records of PM's various contributions to various charitable organizations, volunteer work at orphanages and homeless shelters, and clippings detailing PM's other heroic efforts, and all kinds of nice stuff like that. Nothing they find would give any indication other than that PM is just an all around swell guy, in fact, he should be nominated for sainthood.>
Lita: Oh.... This just pisses me off on so many levels…
Ken: Barbie! Language!
Lita: Wait. Check this out.
<Lita goes to a nearby bookshelf, picks the most normal looking and inconspicuous book on the case. She pulls it, and is thoroughly annoyed when no secret doors open.>
Ken: This has to stop. Barbie, you really need to stop accusing a nice guy like Pharaoh Mobius of wrongdoing. I've tried to be patient with you, but you just don't stop. It's about time that you learned that--
Lita: Oh, shut it!
Ken: No! This is important! Now, we've looked all through this office, and have seen nothing to show that Pharaoh Mobius is the mean guy you say he is. "Pulp Villain" indeed! I hope this experience has taught you a valuable lesson about getting strange ideas in your head.
Lita: I said shut up! This is a sham office! The real evidence we need is around here somewhere, I know it!
Ken: Now look, you have amnesia, so I make allowances--
Lita: I'm not the one with amnesia! You're the one with amnesia! And I wish you'd hurry up and get your memory back already!
Ken: I don't know what you're talking about--
Lita: <Grabs Ken by the shirt> Stop having amnesia, you big jerk!!! You're just doing this to bug me, and I don't like it!!1!!1!
Ken: You need psychological assis--
<Lita punches Ken, and while he is reeling with surprise, she tackles him, and then punches him some more. They crash around a bit, knocking over furniture and breaking things. Lita is soooo winning the fight. If Ken were still Evil Mike, he would probably either fight back, or get really turned on, or both. It's probably best that he's not Evil Mike, as the floor of your arch nemesis's office that you've just broken into with intent to cause trouble (and that you don't particularly want to get caught hanging around in) is probably not the best place to have a romantic encounter. Of course, it's probably not the best place to have a fistfight either, but just try telling that to Lita. Believe me, you'll get nowhere. Ken, for his part, is mostly trying unsuccessfully to block punches. He's also doing a lot of yelling though, which just infuriates Lita more, causing her to punch more, and causing him to yell more. It's a deadly cycle.>
Lita: Quit yelling! *punch* Do you want us to get caught? *punch*
Ken: As a matter of fact, I do! *gets punched* You've snapped your tether! *gets punched* You need help! *gets punched* Speaking of which, HELP!!! HELP!!! *gets punched* BARBIE'S INSAAAANE!!! *gets punched* SHE'S ATTACKING!!! *gets punched*
Lita: Shut up! *punch* You *would* want me to get caught! *punch* You never were supportive of my endeavors! *punch* I bet you hate me! *punch*
Ken: No! *gets punched* I don't hate you at all! *gets punched* I love you! *gets punched* And as soon as you're done assaulting me, I think we should have some nice marriage counseling! *gets punched* HELLLOOOOO!!!!! *gets punched* SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!! *gets punched* SHE'S KILLING ME IN HERE!!!!! *gets punched*
Lita: WE CAN'T GET MARRIAGE COUNSELING IF WE AREN'T MARRIED, YOU ASS!!!! *punch*
Ken: Of course we're married, Barbie! *gets punched* IS ANYBODY OUT THERE??? *gets punched* WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??? *gets punched* WHAT'S TAKING YOU SO LONG???? *gets punched* AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!1!1! *gets punched*
Lita: My name's Lita!!! *punch* Can you say that??? *punch* LITA!!! *punch*
<And it just goes on from there. I think you get the idea. Lita probably should have picked a safer place to go crazy, but a nervous breakdown waits for no woman.>
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
was a little *too* violent in this reply.
She'll try not to do that again.
She also stole "Old Kentucky Shark" from Space Ghost C2C.
You got a problem with that?
#1174
Moo.
Date: 12/04/2001
From: Lord_KFB_Cow
Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo.
Dear journal, (12/04/01)
I say Amoorica is not what it's cracked up to be. So far, I've been stuffed into a sarcophagus, turned into a ceramooc cow, been on one of those trashy Amoorican talk shows, left alone to be forced to listen to the ramooblings of a very drunk old young mooanboy, then, there was a bunch of stuff I don't remoommoober held captive by a smelly gypsy, arrested, and to top it all off, I just almoost got eaten by the Skipper! I am now involved in a rescue mooission, and I'm once again in the smelly clutches of that Lita girl (I'm not sure which one, aren't they all the same?), that mooron Mooickey (I just hate him so moouch), and now Mooickey's underaged girlfriend (what is it with these people and moo-inors?). How I wish to return to mooy body. I heard this Moobius chap has a doppling moochine. Mooaybe that'll help. Sure, the technology mooight not be able to reverse voodoo, but I hope so.
How can a country that can't even spell "point" right be considered a world power?
Regards,
Micke...um, MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
#1175
Mickey: Oh, hush...you.
Date: 12/04/2001
From: MickeysXmasCarol
Cow: Mooee? What'd I do?
Mickey: I can hear you writing in your journal. And signing my name? Tsk tsk.
(Mickey, 42, TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS, and Cow, all arrive at MSTBlanca. They start peeking into the windows)
Mickey: I can't see her.
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: Oh, so now we're looking for another girl? Mickey T. Gardener, you are nothing but...you're not even nothing but. You're nothing. I love you!
Mickey: Quiet.
Cow: Looks like somooone's getting it tonight.
Mickey: You know, I'd like to know where your proper British manners go when you're talking.
42: There she is! And she's...killing Evil Mike? Oh no, PM's gotten to her much worse than we thought!
Cow: Yes! You go, girl!
42: We need to stop her!
Mickey: We do? I mean, right, we do. We need to sneak in.
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: HELLO? I have a *rocket launcher*. I don't think we need to sneak.
Mickey: You do have a poin.
(Cow laughes to himself)
Mickey: What was that?
Cow: Nothing.
(The assembled group enters the front door. There's no guards or anything, except a man wrapped head to toe like a mummy who sounds oddly like Rick who runs by yelling "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHERE'S NABUT?")
Cow: See how he was wrapped? That brings back moomories.
Mickey T. Gardener
BBoard Nice Guy
Friend to All
Damn backtalking cow.
#1176
Rimmi: <to CaveRimmer>: Ah ha!
Date: 12/04/2001
From: Ghost_of_Rimmer_Past
<back at the ranch, Mrs. Hargrove has arrived to help the Rimmers>
Rimmi: Here we are. Maps of MSTBlanca before MSTBlanca came along. It seems here that MSTBlanca was built on top of an Indian burial ground. The spirits should get all upset with him soon enough.
CaveRimmi: But doesn't MSTBlanca move around?
Rimmi: Yeah, that's the other thing. The gumby putty used to make his place was once used to build a pirate ship. It's all recycled. I wouldn't be surprised if some pirate skeletons are hidden within the walls. The moon will be full tonight. All those ghosties will be after PhloxoMarigoldius for disturbing them.
CaveRimmi: You're awfully sure about all this.
Rimmi: I watch a lot of TV. This stuff always happens. Besides, I'll be casting some rapid fire spells on PM to exact my revenge and awakening the spirits is one of them.
Mrs. Hargrove: Rapid fire spells?
Rimmi: Yep. I'm sticking pins in the PM voodoo doll again. In his head to make him crazy, like before. That was fun! And then I'll turn Rick into a toad. The poisonous kind. And all the drinks will be infested with sea monkeys. The soup will always be cold- except for the gespach- the gaspacc- the gesapacc- the one that's supposed to be cold will be hot. Mrs. Mobius will fall out of love with her dear husband. Last but not least, the jukebox will only play "My heart will go on," the extended 5 hour version.
Mrs. Hargrove: That's evil.
Rimmi: I know but he's the villain. It's okay if you do evil things to a villain, even a hoitytoity pulp villain who claims he's nice.
CaveRimmi: Lita and EM are still in MSTBlanca. Are you sure you shuldn't wait.
Rimmi: I'm sure they'll get out okay. I'll bet Lita is even working her own angle right now. We'll get PM. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
CaveRimmi: You finished?
Rimmi: Yeah. I wasn't 'feeling' the evil laughter anyway.
CaveRimmi: The climax was all wrong.
Rimmi: Exactly. Let's begin the magic spells!
<Within hours MSTBlance erupts in chaos.>
#1177
Don't mind me,
Date: 12/04/2001
From: MickeysXmasCarol
just fixing continuity.
(It's part of my court-ordered community service for the incident with the statue and resisting arrest)
************************************************************
(The Rimmer's continue to enjoy themselves at the ranch when)
Voice: So there ya guhls are. I've been looking ahl ova for you. Why you wahnt to run away from a rugged hero lahke me?
Rimmer: Oops. I think we forgot about him.
************************************************************
There. All done. 71 hours and 57 minutes more, and I'm a free man.
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
Hey, I wonder how things are going at MSTBlanca.
#1178
*punch* *punch* *punch*
Date: 12/04/2001
From: Lita_the_Surly_Elf
.........................................................
Tee hee! I guess Cave Rimmer really did hit Deathstalker with her club. She knocked him right out of the RP!
888888888
<Lita is in PM's office punching the living daylights out of Ken.>
Ken: HEEELLLP!!!! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEE!!!!! BARBIE'S A PSYCHO!!!!
Lita: Will you just SHUT UP!!!! We're going to get caught if you don't BE QUIET!!!1!!!!1!
<Lita slaps Ken across the back of the head.>
Ken: Ow! Lita, what the hell is your deal, you stupid bitch?!
Lita: <stops punching and smiles really big> Evil Mike! You're better!
EM: Yeah. That's what I've been telling you the whole time we've been together. It sure took you a long time, but I'm glad you've finally come to grips with your inherent inferiority.
Lita: No… I don't mean you're better than me. I meant you're healthy!
EM: Well, not really. I feel like somebody's been punching me for the last hour and a half! Hey, what's with the nurse's uniform?
Lita: Well, I was just trying my hand at--
EM: Hey, even better question, why are you sitting on me?
Lita: Oh, <gets sheepish> that was just because you were--
EM: Oh, I know! Because I'm so unbelievably hot! C'mere!
Lita: *quickly* I don't know if this is the best place to MMMMPH!!!11!!1!
<Several seconds of intense passion follow, and Lita is just getting the chance to get into it, when Mickey, Lita 42, the cow, and TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS bust through the door.>
Mickey: Lita!! We're here to save-- oh.
Lita 42: Well, that's a big surprise.
Mickey: At least they're wearing clothes this time. (Boy, and I thought TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS had wild mood-swings…)
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: Hey, Mickey, that looks like fun. Do you want to… *giggle* you know…
Mickey: No. What kind of a sick bastard do you think I am?
Cow: The kind that takes advantage of little girls! Moo!
Mickey: Shut up.
Lita: <pulls away from the kiss> Hi, guys! What brings you here?
Mickey: Now, Lita, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but, we're going to need to hit you and Evil Mike on the head to cure you of your amnesia--
EM: Yeah, cram it, Mickey. I'm the one who hits you.
Lita: Hey, 42, why the hell do you have a 9000 on your shirt? What are you trying to do? You know how much I hate it when my clones try to steal my identity.
Lita 42: It was Mickey's idea! I told him you wouldn't want me to, but he made me do it anyway!
Lita: Is that true?
Mickey: Er… yes?
Lita: MICKEY!!!
Mickey: But you don't under--
Lita: Who gave you permission to boss my clones around?
Mickey: Nobody, but--
<Just then, a ghost rises from the floor! It's got a peg leg, and a hook for a hand, and it's holding a dagger in it's teeth (some of which are gold!), and he has an eye patch, and he's saying "Arrrrrr!!!!" and he's wearing… a big Indian headdress made from feathers? The hell? It throws a tomahawk at the couple on the floor, and misses Lita and Evil Mike by this much!!!!1!!1!! (Well, you can't see how far I'm holding my hands apart, but trust me, it's not far!) Apparently, though the ghost is all ghosty and nonsubstantial, the tomahawks, bows and arrows, swords, and daggers he is armed with are very solid.>
Lita & EM: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!1!!!1!!!!1!!!
Lita 42: It's the ghost of an Indian Pirate!
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: I believe you're supposed to call them Native American pirates. I can't believe my boyfriend would cheat on me with somebody so insensitive.
Lita: Your boyfriend?
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: Yeah. Mickey. We're engaged!
Mickey: Er--
Lita: Oh, yuck! And he's got something going with my clone too? *shudder* Actually, I'll be disturbed by those concepts later. First, I think we should get out of here, as that ghost back there seems to be loading his bow.
Mickey: But--
Lita: Come on!
<A really exciting and thrilling action sequence follows. I don't want to write it, but rest assured, it's the coolest thing that's ever happened so far in this rp, with lots of explosions, and violence, and daring escapes and rescues. And by the time it's over, everybody is standing safely outside. Even grandmapa (since Lita didn't think it would be nice to leave him passed out in that dangerous bar), though he isn't standing, exactly. He's lying on the ground. Behind them, MSTBlanca is going all to hell in a handbasket.>
Mickey: I guess we'll have to walk back to the ranch now. Don't worry, Lita. We'll protect you from the horses.
Lita: Screw that.
<She pulls out a small whistle that's on a chain around her neck.>
Lita: I should have done this a long time ago.
Mickey: What's that?
Lita 42: It's a whistle she uses to call Spidey.
Mickey: Spidey's all the way in California! How would he hear that?
Lita: He just does. Shut up.
Mickey: So I guess the whistle is so high pitched that only giant spiders can hear it?
Lita 42: Heh… yeah!
<Mickey doesn't notice that 42 and EM are covering their ears.>
Lita: <blows on her whistle> o/^TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!11!!!1!!!!1!!!1!!1o/^
Mickey & TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: AAAAAGH!!!
Lita: And that answers your first question. Hmph.
TGWIRTYFTLOWASRHHCLIBCPS: My ears are bleeding…
Mickey: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
<Several minutes later, Spidey crashes into view and pulls up by Lita. She opens the door and prepares to climb in, but to her surprise, the 6 workmen all pile out.>
Lita: Oh! I'm sorry! Spidey must have gotten hungry! *nervous laugh*
<The workmen glare at her, and start walking back toward the ranch.>
Lita: Ok. Ride's here. If nothing else, Spidey will scare the horses, and they'll stay away from me! Hey, I was wondering, what happened while I was out of the loop?
cow: We mooet Bono.
Lita: You did?!?!
Lita 42: *sigh* Yes.
Lita: What did you say? Did you tell him hi for me? What did he say?
cow: He said he hates you, and you're a terrible fan, and he wishes you'd stop listening to his moousic, because it's bad for business.
Lita: *her eyes well up with tears* He did?
cow: Yes.
Mickey: No he didn't.
cow: Yes he did. I remooemoober, I was there.
Mickey: No he didn't!
Lita: Are you calling my cow a liar?
Mickey: Yes!
Lita: MICKEY!!!
cow: I'moo not your cow, Lita!!! Dammooit!!
Lita: But why would Bono say that?
cow: He said it's because he's a pacifist and you're way to violent to be a good fan of his. And he said what kind of craven whore lusts after a mooan twice her age who has a wife and four kids? And he said cloning is evil. And you're too stupid to understand his moousic.
Lita: Oh, wow! I'm so depressed!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
felt it was about time EM got his memory back.
Next up: Everybody sing!
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